Kwani unaenda kuishi?”
I still hear those words… your last words…
words that cut through my heart every time I remember them.
I looked at you… seated on that bed…
your eyes begging me to stay.
But my mind was already made up.
I wanted to go.
I really wanted to run away…
run away from all the pain we were going through.
I wanted a place where I could not see you…
where I could not hear your cries…
where I could not watch you suffer…
because all of it… it broke something in me.
I never left you because I hated you…
no…
I left because I was afraid.
Afraid of everything happening.
I remember you once asking me… if you would survive.
And I had no choice but to give you hope…
even when there was none.
I remember the nights we cried together…
the nights we suffered together…
I couldn’t take it anymore.
It felt like too much for me to bear…
so I chose not to care.
And I left you… alone… to die.
What if I stayed by your side?
What if I never left when you needed me the most…
how different would it have been?
Or was it always going to end the same… six feet deep?
Those questions… they never leave me.
Maybe I couldn’t have saved your soul…
but maybe… just maybe…
you would have rested knowing you weren’t alone.
It’s too late for regret…
but I can’t help myself.
You were my only parent… my one and only…
and I left you to die… left you in pain.
I regret it all.
I’m sorry mama.
#RIP
Image source: Francis Kiss pexels