So nimekuwa nikiongea na this guy whom I met on Tinder for like a week. Proper banter. Dry humour. Kidogo toxic. The usual Nairobi romance starter pack.
Bio yake ilikuwa:
“Entrepreneur. Outside most weekends. Calm energy.”
Ladies. “Calm energy” ni unemployed with good posture.
Anyway amesema twende date Westy. Cool. Siku ya date ananiambia:
“Usikuwe overdressed btw, ni chill tu.”
I get there on time like a clown mwenye bado anaamini love inaweza work. This guy comes 30 mins late akiwa amevaa shades usiku. Usiku. Saa mbili.
First thing amesema after hug:
“Leo nimeacha G-Wagon home.”
Nobody asked btw.
Tunakaa chini. Waiter anakuja. Before hata menu ifike, this man amesema:
“Boss leta ile kawaida.”
“The usual” ilikuwa platter ya samosa na mzinga ya Chrome kwa bucket 😭😭😭
Mind you hii si local. Hii ni some rooftop restuarant.
Conversation ilikuwa going okay until akaniuliza:
“So wewe unataka soft life ama character development?”
Brother mbona options ni mbili kama referendum.
Then simu yake ikaita. Akapick haraka haraka:
“Eeeh bro nishakwambia siwezi toa hiyo number mpaka mchezo iivane.”
Immediately nilianza kuangalia exits.
Few mins later akasema ati:
“Wacha nikushow kitu funny.”
Nothing funny has ever followed that sentence.
Turns out this man had brought me to the SAME place alikuwa na mwingine the previous night. Because waitress alimwangalia akasema:
“Leo ni mwingine?”
Silence ilitufunika kama shawl ya ushago 😭
This guy LAUGHED.
Ati:
“Hahaha huku wanajua vibaya.”
WEWE NDIYO WANAKUJUA VIBAYA.
Anyway bill ikafika. This man does that fake pocket tap men do before disaster.
Tap tap.
Left pocket.
Right pocket.
Jacket.
Then:
“Aki babe si app yangu imehang.”
Translation:
Lipa 😭
I paid because at that point nilitaka freedom.
As we’re leaving ananiuliza:
“Uko na fare ama nikuitishie nduthi?”
WITH MY OWN MONEY STILL WARM IN THE MACHINE???
Moral of the story:
Ukiskia mwanaume wa Nairobi amesema:
“I’m outside”
“I know a spot”
“Money isn’t everything”
“Mi huprefer genuine connections”
Prepare financially. 😂