It feels bad to feel like you are pretending in your own life. Like you can not be real. Like everything in your own life is a lie and so you are too. It is difficult when you are so used to performance as an act of self expression. No one really knows you. Leading different lives at once and no one can pinpoint you or what you are about. Related, you do not experience love as yourself nor do you get the chance to let yourself love. The life you live has to be a reflection of yourself and it hurts when it is not. When you are around family and can not be "Loud" or around your friends and can not listen to music that you like, to show up everyday in different skins.
But i guess that is the point. You have this one life to love. Why not be diverse in it?
Personally, i have been the B***h, the good one, that good kid, the educated, the motherly friend, the loving one, the nonchalant, the prize daughter, the failure one, the one with no friends, the one with so many friends, the bad best friend, the class rep, the addict, the flunked out of school, the best student ever, the cool one, the fake one, the left out one;
THE WEIRD one: The one that has never fit in any box. And my has it been fun, and yet i am only 23!!
I cannot wait to see how many more i have in me.
I am going far.