The war inside of me that never ends

Written on 15/07/2026
Anthony Mugaa


When I was a boy I used to tell myself that am a champion and fair enough I was winning daily. Not even a single thought could tell me I will not be a neurologist. Time elapsed and system kicked in same as religion. They started the teachings and hence I started seeing the humble background I came from, then came the lifestyles from the so called richkids and they made me feel I was lacking something, then came the chemistry teacher who convinced me that in a class of 100 students there's only one doctor, two nurses and the rest were patients. Then came the KCSE results dividing the top scorers as the people who have made it in life and calling the rest failures. Then came me versus me. All I wanted to be was a neurologist but the results were proving me a failure. The background, the capability to join a university to pursue my dream career, the mindset had changed, I saw myself as a champion but then I was struggling not to accept myself as failure. Then came a master of psychology and told me, you're what you think you are. Telling me not to let the weaker version of me defeat the stronger version of me. And now am battling between the weaker version of me that calls me failure, that tells me I can't make it, that tells me I was destined to poverty and the stronger version of me that tells me I'm worthy, I can make it, I was created for a certain purpose and I can still reach there and all i need to do is knowing myself, discovering who I am and the likes. Now inside of me runs the thought of who am i truly? Who was i meant to be? Who was I supposed to be? and what can I do to get there where am supposed to be?

Image source: Magda Ehlers, Pexels